The Spicy Off
by AriMarvelUniverse
Summary: Who's dumb enough to challenge Kiyono to a spicy food competition? Michelangelo, of course!


The fog of Sunday laziness hung over the entire underground Lair. It was early, and dark, but for some reason everyone was up at the same time. It was the middle of December, but the temperature was neutral. There was no sunlight in the sewers, but the large red numbers over the stove in the kitchen said that it was a little after ten o' clock in the morning. The desire not to move, speak, or do anything productive settled into the bones and muscles like an inhaled sedative, slowing every living thing in the area down like a toy robot with its batteries shaken out. Though they were supernatural, mutated beings with exceptional ninjitsu skills, one undeniable truth stood out among the entire Hamato clan and their one runaway boarder.

They were teenagers. And they were all suffering badly from the couch potato disease that they could not escape.

The only thing that was moving and making any kind of noise was the tv set, playing a re-run of the 1970's version of Star Trek. The early morning disease had spread quickly and effectively, enough to even affect the leader of the family as it did only rarely. Leonardo was caught in the smog of sluggishness, surprisingly not in the dojo or on a sewer run, or doing anything else productive. In fact, he wasn't doing anything but staring at the television with bleary brown orbs, slouched into the couch cushion so deeply that only the top of his forest green head was visible as he watched Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy go at it for the millionth time. Kiyono's head was cradled in his lap, her hair bed-headed and splayed out messily, falling out of its loose braid. Her glassy black gaze was fixed on the screen as well, and her limbs were arranged carelessly. Her mouth hung slack and her face was half buried in the blanket across his legs.

Donatello was seated at the island, absently playing some sort of word game he had downloaded onto his shell cell. He had beaten the game exactly eighteen times, but it was almost as if he didn't know that...he kept pressing the replay button every time he reached the end screen. He played with one hand, and his chin was resting in the crook of his olive colored elbow. His fingers moved repetitively back and forth, but his eyes didn't follow the movement. The beeps and sound effects from his phone were like a metronome in the still air. Periodically, his eyelids would drift closed, but his finger kept moving like it had a mind of its own.

Raph was at the dining room table, stirring a bowl of soggy brown cereal over...and over...and over, as if he didn't know what to do with it. Occasionally, he lifted his spoon and watched it splash down into the milky mixture. His boredom was so steep, he didn't even have the energy to demand that the channel be changed or flick a wet cheerio at the back of Kiyono's head. The spoon hit the sides of the bowl with a steady clink...clink...clink... Masks were lopsided, teeth were unbrushed, blood lay stagnant in their veins. The only sounds that left their mouths were breathing ones, and even those were slower than usual.

The only reason that the dreary silence prevailed was the fact that Mikey was gone- it was his week to go grocery shopping for the early morning deals. Leo had dragged him out of bed, shoved sugar down his throat, and after and hour and a half of fighting with him, kicked him out. Taking taking one look at the rest of his family, and contemplating having to repeat that with three others, he gave in to the undertow and promptly drowned in it. There was no point in trying to resist it or change it. If you can't beat them...

Time passed...nobody cared how much. But eventually, the alarm system started to chime, signaling that the missing turtle was back home. Everyone gave a collective groan, and then Mikey exploded through the door, filling the peaceful silence with chatter, movement, and noise.

"Du-hudes, it's like a freaking cemetery in here! Like seriously, who died? Jeez. It was dead at the store, too... ice cream sundae poptarts were half off! Donnie, are you sure you gave me ALL the food money? I bet you didn't. Hope you guys like gummy bears, cause they were ten for a dollar!"

Mikey had apparently developed some sort of immunity to the laziness that had his family in its grip. It was most likely the chocolate lucky charms racing through his veins and playing kickball with his brain. The rest of them cringed down in their seats and tried to ignore him, but it was no use. "Can you guys believe that they were out of frozen pizzas? The good kind, not that tombstone crap. Leo, all the green tea mixes were gone...or maybe I was in the wrong isle. I dunno. I didn't see the coffee either, so I just got the instant stuff. That's cool, right Donnie?" he babbled, tossing random items in the cabinets while peeling away his human patch and completely missing the surly glare he received from his purple masked brother.

The others were trying their hardest to tune him out. The bubbliness was getting to them like sunlight to vampires...It burned, and it didn't let up.

"So dudes, guess what? I was on the way home, and I passed this stall with this really old Indian guy working in it, and he sold me this super cool and spicy pepper!" He jumped over the island and landed directly in front of the tv, holding up a lumpy and twisted pepper that was a dull shade of red with orange spots. "It's supposed to be, like, the spiciest pepper in the history of the universe. If you smell it, you'll burn your nose off!"

Silence...then..."So?" Mikey facepalmed loudly. "Soooo...I bought it! It was cool."

"Mikey," Donatello mumbled, without looking up, "remember our talk about impulse buys and budgets?" Mikey smiled widely. "Nope. Not at all. Anyway...I wanted to see if Yono might eat it, cause she likes hot food." Kiyono wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Don't feel like it..."

Donnie finally glanced up, and his hazel eyes widened at the sight of the tiny fruit. "Mikey...that's a Trinidad Moruga, nicknamed "Island Scorpion. NO ONE can eat that." That roused Raph immediately. His head shot up, and he eyed the pepper with malicious interest. "Joanie, I'll give ya ten bucks if you eat that thing."

"No..."

"I wouldn't advise it." Leo cut in, coiling her hair around his finger. Mikey giggled. "I don't think she ca-an." he sang, crossing his eyes and sticking out his tounge at her mockingly. He waved the pepper in front of her face. "Are you afraid of the itty bitty scorpion, Yono?"

"Twenty bucks, Joanie...nah, what am I sayin'. She ain't gonna do it."

"The itty bitty little teeny weeny scorpion-"

Without a word, Kiyono leaned forward and snatched the pepper out of Mikey's hand. She tore a huge bite out of it, swallowed it whole, and handed it back to him, licking the juice off of her lips. He stared at her, shocked, as she belched behind her hand and blew a gust of burning air into his face. "Yum. Now go away."

Mikey held up the pepper and licked the bottom of it, then clasped his hands over his mouth and howled. "AAHHH! THIS MEANS WAAARRR! I challenge you to a SPICY OFF!"

"Mikey, don't-"  
"What are ya thinking, ya dumb-"  
"That's the most stupid-"

Kiyono smiled sweetly. "Your funeral."

***

"Brother Braniac," Mikey droned solemnly, gesturing to the table full of super spicy food and drinks spread out in front of him. "speak the challenges." Donatello rolled his eyes so hard it looked like it hurt, but he did as asked. "There are three challenges to this moronic game. The first-" he pointed to a plate loaded with dark green strips piled high with yellow paste- "Is the Wasabi challenge. Whoever can eat the most wasabi seaweed wins. The second is the Cheerio challenge. Two bowls of cheerios have had hotsauce, chili powder, and jalapeno seeds added in. Whoever can finish the most cereal wins. The third..." he trailed off and swallowed his gorge. "The third is the Shake challenge. I don't...even know, I really don't..."

Mikey leered across the table at Kiyono, who's faint smile was still in place. She looked almost vulnerable, small and pale in front of Mikey and the food.

"Raph is video taping this for evidence AND blackmail, Leo is standing by for fire safety, and I am willing and ready to provide medical assistance if-and when-I have to. For the record, this is retarted. If you're ready to kill youreselves...you can begin." Donnie stepped back out of the battle zone and crossed his arms disprovingly over his chest, mirroring Leonardo.  
Mikey whooped and grabbed for a piece of seaweed, holding it up to the light. "You're going DOWN, baby Shredder!" Kiyono stuck out her tounge and copied him, licking the wasabi paste off before slurping the slimy weed into her mouth. Mikey crammed the whole thing in. Immediately, his eyes widened and watered, and his face reddened, but he forced himself to swallow.

By the end of it, his face was fire engine red and he was choking back tears, but he had eaten six out of eight pieces. "Ha-HA! How about THAT?" he laughed triumphantly. His jaw dropped when he looked over at Kiyono's plate...and it was licked clean. She grinned and sucked a smear of wasabi off her finger, still pale and calm as ever.

"What the...She cheated! Leo ate it for her!"

"...Really, Mikey? Really?"

"Damn...she's still in it..."

"This can only get worse..."

***

"Challenge number two will now commence..."  
"This is such a bad idea..."  
"I wanna see somebody drink out of the fire extinguisher! Keep crunchin', Mikey!"

Kiyono watched Mikey bemusedly as she slowly spooned the altered cheerios into her mouth, crunching the jalapeno seeds with her teeth and eagerly licking the crystalized hot sauce and clumps of soggy chili powder off the edge of her spoon.  
Mikey was still shoveling, but be was struggling now. Every time he swallowed, he was forced to cough and flinch. He was drooling uncontrollably- his chin was glimmering with spit. His eyes were red and veiny, but be was still going.

"Come on, Mikey, ya can do it!"  
"Raph, don't goad him on like that...you know he can't do it."  
"...I have no clue what to say right now...I think I'm going to barf."

Mikey looked up and saw Kiyono's dark eyes trained smugly on his face. He gagged in his throat as she lifted the bowl and started chugging the dark orange milk with loud slurps. When she was done, she dropped it with a clank, and Donnie grudgingly declared her the winner of challenge two. "Are you ready to apologize, Mikey?" she asked.

This had been a really, really bad idea...but there was no WAY he was gonna admit that now. He was in too deep. Raph would have it on video, Leo would give him that LOOK, Donnie would tell April and Casey...  
He was going to win this thing, or die trying.

***

"Challenge number three...the Shake challenge. Pieces of Big Red gum, Hot tamales and Red hots candies have been pureed and blended together with milk and a dash of raw cinnamon, stirred into a handful of black pepper...as well as whole chunks of the Trinidad Moruga. May the gods and Sensei be with you..."  
Michelangelo's face was now the exact shade of Raph's mask, and shiny with condensation. A collar of drool covered his neck, and he held his mouth permanently open, gasping and showing off his blistered and swollen tounge. Kiyono tilted her head and smiled, the picture of innocence. "Are you okay, brother? Are you ready to stop?"

Mikey would have killed everybody in the room for a glass of water...He was willing to drink the nastiest sewer sludge righ then. But he was NOT going to punk out. "Sthell naw. Ih'm ghlood ovber here. How bvout you?"

But as they both picked up their shakes, his hand started trembling. He could already feel the burning...he'd rather stick a burning torch in his mouth than drink that. The drink was mottled pink and red, with black specks. It was evil with a bendy straw, it was laughing at him... "Uhm...Yono..."  
Kiyono wrapped her lips around the straw and sucked down a huge gulp, closing her eyes and RELISHING it. "Mmm-mmm..." A thick drop fell from her mouth and oozed slowly down her chin.

Mikey couldn't take it. He gagged loudly and dropped to his knees, hacking and choking and sweating and just falling apart. His shake hit the floor with a loud crash. "You're a fthreak! That's notm thuman! I GIVE!"  
Donnie cursed and rushed forward, Leo rolled his eyes, and Raph started roaring with laughter.

"Dammit! I told you-"  
"Ho...ly...SHIT...THAT'S...the BEST..."  
"Kiyono...I'm not kissing you for a month..."

The girl simply grinned and finished off her shake...then drank Mikey's, too.


End file.
